me·di·o·cre

/ˌmēdēˈōkər/

adjective

  1. of only moderate quality; not very good.

I've been disappointing audiences since I was five years old, and have performed magic on HGTV's House Hunters (don't ask how I got the money to buy a house), bantered with Leah Remini and Rob Belushi on the Game Show Network, and I've been overpaid to entertain organizations like Netflix, the Cartoon Network, the New York State School Superintendents Association, the Children's Hospital of Orange County, and a couple dozen people in a backyard once.

I'm a regular performer at both the Magic Castle and Black Rabbit Rose in Hollywood. You can also find me weekdays (and Saturdays until 1) on post office walls around the country. 

When I'm not begging for tips or evading bounty hunters, I'm working my day job as a television writer. Yes I have Jessica Alba's phone number, and yes I will give it to you if you hire me for your next event. For the right price, anyway.

"Don't encourage him. He's ill. He's very, very ill."

Andrew's therapist

"The real crime was the card trick."

Andrew's parole officer

"The worst $25 we ever spent. This wasn't entertainment. This was a hostage situation."

Sister Francis Stein

St. Mary of the Visitation Catholic Church